18 January, 2012
Today practice was good, right up til Backbending, which for me is a great challenge. Moving into Urdhva Dhanurasana (Upward Facing Bow, or Wheel pose) itself isn’t so much the tricky bit, I’ve learned how to be patient and allow my shoulders and back to let me know when they’re ready for me to test them a little more each day, I’ve overcome the fear of falling and of the potential embarrassment (clearly resident only in my own mind, for every teacher I’ve encountered in learning this pose has shown me far more compassion and understanding than I’ve shown myself), what remains is the ability to stand up from this pose consistently.
A word before I go further, Ashtanga isn’t about any ONE asana, it’s not about doing the ones you like and avoiding the hard stuff, it’s about finding your deepest, truest self on and off the mat, patiently, quietly, breath by breath, posture by posture, dristi by dristi.
With that said, I’m now clearly aware of what Wheel Pose and standing up are trying to show me about myself, on and off the mat. For me, it’s about finding my foundation and seeing things through. Today when I did my first drop back and came up, Sharath was there, he said “very good”, I explained that I wasn’t getting the posture consistently, and he said “too much thinking, just focus on the asana”, then he watched me do the same thing and said “If you don’t have your legs, you can’t come up”. How true, other teachers have told me this “press into your legs, use the strength of your thighs and pelvis, feel as if you’re grounding through the earth. Perfect advice for airy-fairy me. It’s more than a physical thing. I find commitment a hard concept to process, even the idea of purchasing furniture is frightening for me, I try never to hold onto things or people, for that matter. But I need grounding and balance, or I will surely drift away on the first breeze to Never-Never land. I’m a good starter of things, always make a good impression, but I become easily bored, and don’t finish as strongly. This has hurt me, personally and professionally, and comes not from a fear of failing, but being completely completely frightened of my potential. Yes, strange, I’m working on it, letting myself truly shine. I’ll get there.
This is why I think Backbending comes where it does in the practice, it’s the last really strong outpouring of effort you make before you can ease up and relax a bit into the soothing flow of Finishing postures. It says “store your energy, finish strong, know where your feet are, commit and seal your practice”. I love that, I love that it took me 3 weeks to get it, to really get that message. I now find myself thinking “I want to be diligent in my practice, aware of my body, relax when my tendency is to panic, and above all, push into my foundations (physical, mental and spiritual) and as Sharath said “make your legs straight as you can and strong and PUSH with your hands”. I want to stand up on my own two feet and find the peace in the lesson this posture, and this mighty practice and lineage are here to teach me. And I believe if I just keep doing it, keep trying, keep committing, keep with faith and the 4Ds (dedication, devotion, discipline and determination, especially the last one) that I will.
Wow, that felt good to say out loud 🙂
1 December, 2011
“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes insearch of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.” Paulo Coelho, “The Alchemist”
So goes my favourite line of one of my favourite books, and now I go even further in discovering myself and my Personal Legend – Ashtanga, India, teaching, writing, taking more responsibility for the adult I’d like to think I’m becoming.
I haven’t written in a while, hiding from my most honest way of expressing myself – no excuses, just write more
1 October, 2010
A good friend lost her fight with cancer tonight…I feel the loss so patently, and yet so much relief that there is no more pain for her now.
This is the end of a fight fought by one of the bravest souls I’ve been blessed to know, even as the cancer overtook her body and began to take her away from us, she never focused on it, she’d answer if you asked directly, but her disease didn’t own her…her life was the ultimate expression of yoga, she “did” Life one moment at a time, as honestly as she could, though she guarded her privacy fiercely.
The last time we talked, before it became too difficult to do so, she taught me a Sanskrit chant “Anando Hum” which means quite simply “I am Bliss”…I had asked for a chant to give to a friend who also lost a relative to cancer, and this my friend gave me so freely (as she always did).
I called her my “Oracle at Delphi” for the wisdom and humility she taught me, for sharing with me that it was ok to just “be”, to process the darkness, as well as enjoy the light. She told me of Noble Silence, pain as she had never known and how she saved up Yellow Skittles and Starburst for me because I told her I loved them so. All with the same breath and love.
Her transition comes not as an ending, but as a doorway to another place, another plane of existence; she has transcended this one, and though we will miss her, and shed tears…we must also celebrate. Think not that Death is an end to life; no, death is only the opposite of birth! LIFE has no end, she knew this, she lived it, and she has branded it forever in my heart.
Words fail me here, and so I will rely on those of another, John Donne, who wrote in words equally terse and profound:
Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not soe,
For, those, whom thou think’st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill mee.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell’st thou then?
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.
Death Be Not Proud
This is my yoga as September becomes October, and as Yoga Month ends, and we return to the everyday yoga of life and the search for peace.
Always and ever love, my Oracle, I will dream of sunshine, labyrinths and yellow sweeties.
5 September, 2010
Today I did Sun Salutations, all the Standing Postures all the way to Marichyasana A before my left knee requested a reprieve. Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana – (that’s ‘Half Lotus Standing Forward Bend’ for the uninitiated) on the left is still not ready to be safely manifested in this body of mine so I did Tree Pose and counted out the breath
And guess what, people? Something else changed in my practice. Sometimes that happens, you can go days, weeks, even months and you feel like “why am I even DOING this? I don’t FEEL any different, nor more enlightened than last Tuesday” and then all of a sudden, you’re seeing all these new things coming at you….I intentionally went slower in each asana, particularly the left side, to assess what was happening and how it impacted my hip and knee – I actually did Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimatanasana (the seated cousin of the posture I described above) TWICE, and by slowing down, was able to adjust the alignment just a little bit, and suddenly I felt the pose in my hip again (where it belongs, I might add) and significantly less in my knee…brilliant!
Another thing, I could jump through more smoothly and picking up to jump back, I could swing back and place my toe behind me the way my teacher taught me (if you’re wondering what that looks like, look for ‘Kino Macgregor jumping back from Padmasana’ on Youtube, the woman is simply all kinds of wonderful and amazing), suddenly the ‘impossible’ things that I had placed aside to ‘learn in my own time’ were easier to imagine in my body than ever before, and all because I slowed down.
Anyone who knows me knows that I move fast, I walk fast (well, with 44″ inches from hip to toe, I can’t help it 😉 , talk fast, type fast and I practise fast. I could finish Full Primary plus finishing AND Savasana in just under 90 minutes….I don’t say this to boast or vaunt myself, but practising quickly was both the result of a shorter breath (asthma-related) and the need to be done early in the mornings before work…even adding postures from Second Series and doing more back-bends took me to 1hr50 TOPS….so this practice was different, I made each moment stretch out, I paused, contemplated and noticed my breath in a new way….Amazing, all the fundamental, subtle little things that pop into your consciousness when you take your time…”Slow down, you move too fast, you got to make the moment last…” that’s what Simon and Garfunkel said, right?
There is a tendency in our world nowadays to move at lightning-speed, to get things done to get to the next ‘thing to do’…but listen, the yoga practice offers us an alternative, it says “Hey, slow down, and study yourself for a moment, what are you looking for?”
When you have an injury or a perhaps a setback in life, maybe there’s an opportunity to re-assess yourself, to see inside, to what’s real…and here’s the thing, the thesis of the evening, the point (maybe) to my meandering scribble of thoughts, the REAL is the breath, your soul, the animus inside you; the body is but a shell, a vehicle, a laboratory, it’s the part that IS ephemeral…we are more than the sum of our knees, hips, shoulders and lower backs. But we need the vehicle to have this life…like one of my teachers, Sharon says, we are “spiritual beings having a human experience”. So treat your body well, and listen to it.
When I got to Marichyasana A today and was able to ground myself through BOTH hips, I could FEEL the posture in a different way….it was deep, it was different and I know why…and I was “feeeelin’ groooovy”
31 August, 2010
Here’s the truth, people…I haven’t done a full practice in AGES (like 3 weeks), just trying to heal my left knee, which I managed to torque somehow, overdoing something when my nutty (read “schizophrenic”) left hip wasn’t ready. The result?? SEARING pain when I bent my knee, that means sitting, standing, walking all were hurting…let ALONE lotus (lotus??? whatever is that?). My body cried “Stop” while my mind argued “you can do this, forget the pain, you KNOW the right techniques now”….guess what won? Guess what ALWAYS does and will?
They say that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again, whilst expecting a different result or rather…let’s spin that on its ear….maybe TRUE intelligence means applying the techniques that you KNOW in the safest way possible to your body AS IT IS…not AS YOU IMAGINE IT or IN A PERFECT WORLD…just as it is. Prosaic? Maybe. True? Absolutely.
So I listened, I rested my body when it asked for it, I took the yoga inside and remembered what my teacher Greg Nardi said to me when I was at a particularly low point during an Ashtanga intensive I did (remind me to share more about that)…”Remember, Shakira”, he said, patience in his voice like he’d NEVER said it before “it’s a breathing practice”. And somehow it stuck, I got it, I slowed down and honoured what was happening and why and what I needed to change.
All of this I recall now as we head in to September, which is Yoga Month!!! Yay! Even as I challenge myself physically for EVERY ONE of the next 30 days (yes, EVERY DAY!), I’ll keep the thought “BREATHE” first and foremost in my mind, and for me it’s much bigger than words like “pranayama”, “Ujjayi” and “mula bandha” (don’t get me wrong, they’re important)…it means “Just breathe, no matter what, be still IN your breath, everything else will come”
“Do your practice”, Pattabhi Jois said, “and all is coming…” and you know what? I think I’m beginning to really see what Guruji meant
See you on the mat tomorrow!
28 August, 2010
I created this blogspace almost two years ago, telling myself “You’re interesting, you MUST have something of worth to say, something significant that the universe wants to hear”. And then…….NOTHING, rien, nada, niente….and so I left it, and almost forgot it was here.
But now it feels different, it feels RIGHT, “I” feel ready and I don’t even think I have to come up with anything earth-shattering, life is in the little things, after all.
So I’m going to write, sometimes epic rambling conversations with myself that I hope won’t suggest to my friends and family that I’m slightly nutty (they probably know this already) and sometimes pithy pieces of whatever happened to me in the now.
This blog is intended to support my site (still without name, except the word ‘sadhana’ will be in there somewhere…go google it ^-^ ) which is all about my passion for sustainable living in all its forms, so there are days when it’ll be serious, you may even think I’m pontificating…yoga and healing, awareness, activism, volunteerism, vegetarianism, sustainable agriculture, diet and tourism, philosophy and faith…(geez, that’s a LOT)
And then again, I’ll get silly (i PROMISE you the week of March 4-9, 2011 will be COMPLETELY devoted to me playing Mas in Trinidad – lookit my profile picture to see the cute costume I’m going to wear! woohoo!)…and that’s OK too
I write for me, because NOW I know there is no time like NOW…and I LOVE that…
so, OK, enough from me for NOW :)….que l’aventure commence -let the journey BEGIN!